It was a quiet drive home to say the least! I really remember nothing other then my own clouded thoughts and fear's. How do you wrap your head around the magnitude of CANCER? I was on a planet of disbelief just floating a bout . What do we say? What do we tell people? Very few words were said, if there were more , they wouldn't really be understood between the tears. Thoughts were, this is going to be OK, we're going to beat this and in 20 years it would be a distant memory".
Telling my family was the hardest thing. I never dreamed I could feel so terrible. I will be the first to admit that I haven't always felt supported in my life's path and from one side or another there has been ridicule. All I have ever wanted is happiness. I often put everyone Else's needs in front of my own, completely at my own expense. I realised that I had some major crap to deal with if I was going to get through this in one piece.
I started this blog, in particular ,as a form of healing for myself and others. Those who sit with the diagnosed, have their very own form of cancer. It can at times consume every part of you. You want to help so badly, to cure so badly and you turn around and realize it is out of your hands. You can only support and sometimes that doesn't feel like you've done enough.
Making up my mind in the beginning that this story was not going to come from me. I would sit and be quite, dealing with it myself. Cancer itself is sad, but the things that happen because of it can be overwhelming. All of a sudden people are scared to talk to you. I also felt like I couldn't talk to anyone because no matter how bad I have felt, It was not me who had cancer.
Not completely dealing with my Grandma dying and all of the events surrounding that. I , in a small way , felt like a part of me died with her. I lost my best friend when she went and still feel like I will never rid myself of the accusations I faced while she was still here. In so many ways I was questioning why all my lessons must be so life altering??
If anything comes of this, I really hope that it just gets people talking. Cancer does not need to make anyone feel alone. It can not take away feelings of love , hope and miracles. Just because it is not you with the diagnosis does not mean you won't hurt. At this point we wait to see what comes next.....
