It was a quiet drive home to say the least! I really remember nothing other then my own clouded thoughts and fear's. How do you wrap your head around the magnitude of CANCER? I was on a planet of disbelief just floating a bout . What do we say? What do we tell people? Very few words were said, if there were more , they wouldn't really be understood between the tears. Thoughts were, this is going to be OK, we're going to beat this and in 20 years it would be a distant memory".
Telling my family was the hardest thing. I never dreamed I could feel so terrible. I will be the first to admit that I haven't always felt supported in my life's path and from one side or another there has been ridicule. All I have ever wanted is happiness. I often put everyone Else's needs in front of my own, completely at my own expense. I realised that I had some major crap to deal with if I was going to get through this in one piece.
I started this blog, in particular ,as a form of healing for myself and others. Those who sit with the diagnosed, have their very own form of cancer. It can at times consume every part of you. You want to help so badly, to cure so badly and you turn around and realize it is out of your hands. You can only support and sometimes that doesn't feel like you've done enough.
Making up my mind in the beginning that this story was not going to come from me. I would sit and be quite, dealing with it myself. Cancer itself is sad, but the things that happen because of it can be overwhelming. All of a sudden people are scared to talk to you. I also felt like I couldn't talk to anyone because no matter how bad I have felt, It was not me who had cancer.
Not completely dealing with my Grandma dying and all of the events surrounding that. I , in a small way , felt like a part of me died with her. I lost my best friend when she went and still feel like I will never rid myself of the accusations I faced while she was still here. In so many ways I was questioning why all my lessons must be so life altering??
If anything comes of this, I really hope that it just gets people talking. Cancer does not need to make anyone feel alone. It can not take away feelings of love , hope and miracles. Just because it is not you with the diagnosis does not mean you won't hurt. At this point we wait to see what comes next.....
Thursday, February 14, 2013
Saturday, January 26, 2013
And so the Journey Begins
This past year has been a rocky road to say the least and it has brought us to the path we are currently on. A small stepping stone on our life's path. When I say our , I really mean my sister and I. Her name is Andrea and she is now 31 years old. My name is , Jaeme and I am 32. This is what a day in the life of cancer looks like. I feel as though I am sharing this journey right a long with her. A journey that was not planned by any means....
You see, on June , 8th 2011, Andrea woke up with a lump on her neck. We had thought it was a simple infection so she went to the Doctor, Andrea was put on antibiotics and sent home to get better. After a few rounds of antibiotics , nothing had changed so she was sent for further testing. An ENT specialist took a small sample of the lump in her neck through a needle and sent it away for review. The results came back that she was free from cancer. We were all so relieved, even though there was no answer to what was causing the swollen gland. The same biopsy tests were done 3 more times all resulting in the same answer, its not cancer.
What happens when something looks like cancer,smells like cancer and acts like cancer? The only thing that can happen, more testing. The next test sent us to another Doctor , who removed a node from the back of Andreas nose. I was not allowed to be into the room while the procedure was being done. It felt like we were worlds apart, not a meer 20 feet. By the time 30 minutes had passed I was frantic and fearful of what was going on. I was let back into the day surgery room to sit with my sister and wait for what was to come.
I held her hand as the Doctor came into the room. In a matter of fact deminour he said " You have Lymphoma, I have seen it a million times". Hearing that was like being pummeled with a bag of bricks. Even when you expect it , it's not easy to hear. As shock set in, we stumbled out of the room and went home to deliver the bad news. A million thoughts racing through my mind, her son, her husband, my father, whats is going to happen to her ...... and me? "Oh GOD, Oh GOD , I can't believe this is happening!!"
You see, on June , 8th 2011, Andrea woke up with a lump on her neck. We had thought it was a simple infection so she went to the Doctor, Andrea was put on antibiotics and sent home to get better. After a few rounds of antibiotics , nothing had changed so she was sent for further testing. An ENT specialist took a small sample of the lump in her neck through a needle and sent it away for review. The results came back that she was free from cancer. We were all so relieved, even though there was no answer to what was causing the swollen gland. The same biopsy tests were done 3 more times all resulting in the same answer, its not cancer.
What happens when something looks like cancer,smells like cancer and acts like cancer? The only thing that can happen, more testing. The next test sent us to another Doctor , who removed a node from the back of Andreas nose. I was not allowed to be into the room while the procedure was being done. It felt like we were worlds apart, not a meer 20 feet. By the time 30 minutes had passed I was frantic and fearful of what was going on. I was let back into the day surgery room to sit with my sister and wait for what was to come.
I held her hand as the Doctor came into the room. In a matter of fact deminour he said " You have Lymphoma, I have seen it a million times". Hearing that was like being pummeled with a bag of bricks. Even when you expect it , it's not easy to hear. As shock set in, we stumbled out of the room and went home to deliver the bad news. A million thoughts racing through my mind, her son, her husband, my father, whats is going to happen to her ...... and me? "Oh GOD, Oh GOD , I can't believe this is happening!!"
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